5 Common Mistakes Guys Make When Talking to Girls
Posted on 02. Mar, 2009 by Michael in How to Talk to Girls, Increase Your Confidence
When you go up to a girl you like to start a conversation, you need all the help you can get. Typically there are 5 mistakes that most guys make that can decrease your chances of walking away with her number. They are:
1. Convincing yourself to not talk to her
Most people call this shyness. Don’t let shyness keep you from meeting an awesome girl. One moment of shyness can cost you weeks, months or even years of happiness.
2. Letting your nervousness show
Girls, typically, like guys who are confident. Sweating, stuttering and fidgeting during a conversation doesn’t exactly paint you as a confident guy. Sure, there are some girls who think nervousness can be cute. But by and large, they prefer confidence.
3. Asking for her number too early
One of the worst things you can do is to start the conversation like this, “Hi, I saw you from across the way and thought you were really attractive. Can I get your number?” She doesn’t know you. Why should she give you her number? For all she knows you can be a stalker. That’s why it’s important to have a good conversation with her before you ask her for her number. It gives her the chance to get to know that you’re an OK guy.
4. Coming on too strongly
One of the other worst things you can do is to start the conversation like this, “Hey, my name’s Tom. I saw you in my history class and I think you’re really hot! We should go out on a date. Come on, we’ll have fun!” Girls don’t like to feel like they’re being forced into a conversation, let alone a date.
5. Not knowing when to end the conversation
Even if your first conversation is going amazingly well, you never want to linger too long. Always leave the conversation with the girl wanting more. There’s no need to divulge all your funny stories or secrets right from the get go. How long should you talk with a girl? For a first time conversation a good rule of thumb is to stay under 45 minutes.
What do you guys think? Is there anything I left out? Please share your comments with us…
Shy to Talk, a fan of AdviceOnGirls.com
Chad
02. Mar, 2009
These are good. Thanks for sharing!
Brett
03. Mar, 2009
It’s hard for me to hide my nervousness. My forehead gets really twitchy. It’s a definite give away.
El_Che
14. Mar, 2009
i’ve had dis problem two years ago…i would be to shy to talk to girls and not know what to say….I figured to go to d mall and start conversation with hot girls and if i would mess up it wouldn’t matter cause i would never see them again…N my goal wasn’t to get their number either, it was to get comfortable talking to beautiful girls…dis helped me gain some confidence.
Michael
15. Mar, 2009
@ El Che
I did the same thing except I went to book stores for my practice rounds. It worked wonders for me and my confidence!
Peter
08. Apr, 2009
I made the mistake of asking a girl I like for her phone number too early and she told me I had to work for it. what should I do? I only have one class with her and we are across the room from each other and its always quiet in there. how can I start a conversation?
Michael
09. Apr, 2009
@ Peter
Hmm. Either she’s not interested or she’s playing hard to get. Let’s assume she’s playing hard to get. That means you should go for it.
To try to impress her do something like this: Find out through one of her friends what her favorite restaurant is. Then go buy her a gift card for it. The next time you see her, tell her you have a small gift for her. Show her the card. Then say, this should be worth your number. If she doesn’t give it to you, then keep the card and use it yourself. If she gives you her number, then say why don’t I take you to this restaurant this weekend. You can use the card when you get there.
Best of luck!
Chris
14. Apr, 2009
I have been friends with this girl for a about a year now. She hangs out with me and our friends every day at lunch. I have her number from asking her( luckily at the right time) and ive talked to her several times. the 1st time, we talked for like 3 hours. big mistake, i realize now. but she had a problem where her best friend and her where in a jeopardizing argument. i was just helping her through it. anyways, i would call her every a couple days and talk to her fr only 18 minutes or so. but she always made those conversations awkward. she wouldnt say to much when i asked her different questions and what not. she makes it sound like she doesnt want to talk to me, but she doesnt want to hurt my feelings. but at school, she treats me like we are best friends. so ive been sitting here saying what the heck is going on? i love her extremely, unfortunately, there are a lot of guys that like her, but most of them creep her out becausee they unlike me,are nerds and stalkers. there is honestly nothing wrong with nerds by the way. i was one my whole life until 2 years ago. back to subject, she has found out i like her due to non-caring friends but she has always seemed cool with it. she would have let me known if there was a problem just by her nature for she absolutely hates stalkers. i am very tempted to ask her what the hell isoing on and why she acts like two different people. excuse me for my language. i dont think i should ask her this, but im beginning to get desperate. also, she seems to treat alot of her friends this way on the phone. this is just somewhat of a suspicion though. i dont know where to go from here. some advice would be more appreciated than you could ever imagine at this point. thanks for reading this ridiculously long comment Michael, or it takes a good person to take the time out opf their day to write and help people you dont even know with their problems. and no im not a teacher pet.
Michael
14. Apr, 2009
@ Chris
I understand your frustration with your situation. First, let’s realize something. If you ask her what’s going on or let her know you have feelings for her, it’s possible that she could not be interested and act aloof for a time.
On the other hand, she just might be interested enough, since you are such good friends, to go out on some dates and “try out” a relationship with you.
So you can not ask her because you’re afraid that she’ll say no or isn’t interested. If you go that route, you’ll live in a state of fear and doubt for a very long time. Or you can ask her and see what happens. At the very least you’ll get an answer one way or another.
I’ll end this comment with a question. Which would you rather live with, not knowing or finally getting an answer?
P.S. If you ask her, try to phrase the question in a gentle / non-loaded way. For instance, “Hey, I’m not trying to put you on the spot or anything but I’ve noticed that when we’re at school we’re like close friends. But when we’re on the phone, you sometimes seem bored. Do I bore you?”
Good luck Chris!
Chris
14. Apr, 2009
Thanks so much, Michael, you made the options to my problem 10 times clearer. i understand where to go with thi now. Thanks again.
chris
15. Apr, 2009
Two new questions now. If I asked that question that you had put in the last comment. Since we would be in a conversation, what would i say next if she answered yes, im boring? Or if sheanswered no, im not boring. What would I say to continue the conversation either way? It just seems like there would be an awkward silence. Thanks for all the help again.
Kennedy
15. Apr, 2009
@chris
I once tried calling a girl that I was interested in. It was the first time I called her, but we would go 5-7 minutes without saying a WORD. Think about that. 5 minutes of silence is an eternity with someone on the phone. At any rate I kept asking her if I was boring and she kept saying, “No, of course not.” In the meantime she could have been watching TV, or knitting, or finding the cure for cancer for all I know.
The point is, if she says “No, you’re not boring”, and the conversation still stinks in your opinion, then maybe you can recommend meeting up for dinner or a movie or something like that. Put her on the spot to continue the conversation in person.
You can go the same route if she even says, “Yes, you are very boring.” Since you two know each other well, tell her she knows you are more fun in person, and ask her to meet you somewhere.
Are you a boring person? Of course you’re not. If you were, you’d be at home watching Andy Griffith reruns instead of seeking advice on how to better yourself. Keep that in mind and good things will happen, my friend.
chris
15. Apr, 2009
everything you said sounds perfect, but , knowing her, she would kind of figure it somewhat weird if i asked something like going to the movies with her. she has many guys thaat like her and she is creeped out by them. i feel like i would be comning on to her very strong if i said something like that. shes hard to convince, and it seems like i have to go REALLY slow with her. im okaywith that. im just not sure of what she ould think of it. i honestly think though she would be creeped out because it would be an out of place question between the two of us. also, the formal dance at my school is coming up. she has been asked by seeral guys who she dislikes, and said no to them all. i didnt plan on asking her because i dont hang out with her enough yet, but i fear she migh think that is exaclty wht i might do if i do something out of shool with her. its very hard to explain everthing that is going on here,lol. sorry for it being so long again.
chris
15. Apr, 2009
also, i think i am starting to become a whipping dog. where she only eally talks to me about her problems. that is bad. but how do i get out of it? of course i talk to her at school regularly and having fun withher, but i realized that that 3 hour talk was started from her problems. we went on from there though to talk about many different things, a bunch of those topics we both enjoyed too. dang, shes amazing. lol
Perry
15. Apr, 2009
hi there is this girl who is perfect to me but i helped her get with this lad who plays rugby i play football (soccer) im the class clown i always make her laugh we have weird little inside jokes and she has been with him for 1 month or so hes better looking than me but im funnier any help p.s. im sat next to her in maths
Michael
15. Apr, 2009
@ Chris
Just because she talks to you about her problems doesn’t make you a whipping dog. It’s only if she talks to you about her guy problems.
Michael
15. Apr, 2009
@ Perry
The fact that you’re funnier is a huge blessing and aid to you. Only you can make the call on whether or not to reveal your feelings to her. Just know that if you might make enemies with the other guy. If you want to pursue this (and only you can decide that) then simply ask her out to a movie or coffee under the pretense of friendship.
Let her get to know you outside of class a bit. Have some laughs outside of school. The more she likes to be around you, the less she’ll like hanging with her boyfriend.
Good luck!
chris
16. Apr, 2009
OK, I just found out that she is not talking to ANYONE much, not just me. Ive asked whats wrong but not straight up saying: whats bothering you?. seriously? . but i have asked her if anything is botherig. so i dont think she thinks im boring at all. i think shes upset over something that she hasnt told anybody. i dont know what to say to her now because she hasnt even told her two best friends and hasnt hung out with them for a while. what should i do now?? thanks still guys.
Michael
18. Apr, 2009
@ Cory
You just need to be there for her. Don’t pressure her too much to tell you what’s bothering her – that will just be annoying. Just continue to hang out with her and show her a good time.
Matt
20. Apr, 2009
Everything seemed good between this girl and i, it looked as though she might be interested. But lately we haven’t been talking other than the occasional hey as we pass in the hall – the number of which has gotten lower. For the life of me i can’t find anything we have in common to talk about so i can’t really think of a good way to start talking again and spark her interest again. Any advice?
Michael
22. Apr, 2009
@ Matt
The best way to engage her interest is to talk with her about something she is interested in. Now the trick is to find out what that is. Here are some ways to do that. Talk with some of her friends or other people who know her. Ask them what she’s interested in. Does she play any sports? If so, learn all you can about that sport and talk to her about it. Is she a member of any clubs? Bring that up the next time you see her. She’s probably on Facebook so find out what groups she’s joined and ask her about those when you see her.
Good luck Matt!
Chris
25. Apr, 2009
I some what screwed up at formal. 2 days before that one of my friends said that on both days, she kept looking at me quite a bit. My friend said she kept looking at me and nobody else and like she almost had a look of curiosity on her face when looking at me. he said that she looked at me almost 50 times in 45 minutes. whenever i saw her ad she was already looking at me, she would make this funny face just to messs around. she does it all the time and i like it.lol. anyways, so it really seemed like she started to like me. this is my first question, why did she keep looking at mee so much??
so i went to formal and all. when i got there, i saw some friends and started talking to them. i saw her from far away and man, she looked amazing! later when we got inside the building, she came over and started talking. i said she looked nice. that was it. hey, i was extremely shy, and normally im not that shy of a guy. when i came to thik of it, i said rather quiet and definitely unconvincing. i reret that so much now. but later, she was dancing across the room and i wanted to get a drink. so i walked past her and her friends and some of my freinds that were hanging out wth her. the one guy knew i liked her and tried to get e to dance with her. i honesty dont know why i didnt, because she looked up at me and smiled reassuringly, but i just waved my hand at them and kept walking. like i said before, i was extremely shy for once in my life. so later, we talked ond evrytinhg and we were talking in a rgroup with other people when all of a sudden one of my friends that is a girl came up and told me i had to dance with her at the next song. i didnt complain. so i was walking from the bar with a drink of water (im in 8th grade remember) and from nowhere comes this girl and drags me on to the dance floor. i almost spilled the water eveywhere, but luckily i set it on a nearby table right beforehand. so i then slow danced with her and that went well. i never saw the girl i liked’s face though. throughout the night, i noticed that the gils i like didnt dance with one guy during a slow dance and sh rejected sveral guys. when it was time to leave, she didnt say goodbye to anybody, he just left. i think something was bothering her and it had to do wih e.so i decided to call her and i called her twice today but she didnt answer both times. i dont know what is going on with her and she seemed bothered. i know i messed up, but can you help clarify EVERYTHING please because i dont get anything that has happened lately. thanks for all of your help guys, you make my life so much easier.
Michael
26. Apr, 2009
@ Chris
It sounds to me that this girl you like is interested in you. The fact that her friends tried to get you to dance with her is a big sign that she likes you. Perhaps those faces she makes at you is a way of flirting with you?
You’re right you did make a mistake by being to shy to ask her to dance. But the good news is that you can totally fix this problem.
Keep calling her. Don’t over do the whole calling thing though. Just call her once a day for the next 3 days. She’ll probably pick up at least once. If not, then leave her a voice mail. When you talk with her just be honest. Apologize. Then, simply tell her that you thought she looked amazing at the formal. So amazing that the mere sight of her made you nervous. Tell her that you really wanted to dance with her but were too shy. Then ask her out to some coffee or something.
In the future, don’t let your shyness negatively affect a perfect night like that again.
Best of luck Chris!
chris
28. Apr, 2009
This is going bad. For some reason, that dance totally shattered my confidence. I havent talked to her outside of school since. She seems friendly to me still, but she doesnt look at me in classes nearly as before. I havent even bothered to call her for the last three days. Im just so shaken and I feel like I am now to shy to even talk to her. What should I do? It feels so weird to have never been a shy guy in my entire life and all of a sudden, be extremely shy and to not even talk to her outside of recess. Please help, for I am just losing myself her.Hehe, I am slowly going insane.
Michael
29. Apr, 2009
@ Chris
Relax man, you’re not going insane. You’re just experiencing a bout of shyness. It’s nothing you can’t overcome. Here’s how to do it.
You have to face your fear. In fear aversion classes, they show people who are afraid of spiders pictures of spiders. These people are confronted with their fears. Once confronted with a fear, people will usually overcome and conquer those fears.
That’s what you need to do. Afraid to talk with the girl? Then call her. That’s the first step to overcome your shyness. Just take a deep breath and do it!
There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.
Ryan
30. Apr, 2009
@Chris.
wow that really sucks about what happened at formal. i think she might like you so you should just make the best of it. be friends with her. she sounds like she needs it. don’t be nervous, that will only screw things up. don’t worry about formal, it’s in the past. make the future the best you can out of what you have
good luck, bud !
Michael
30. Apr, 2009
@ Chris & Ryan
Ryan is absolutely right! Forget about the past and power through this.
Nate
02. May, 2009
Not making enough eye contact. Eye contact shows confindence because one of the toughest things for a nervous guy to do is look a hot woman in the eyes. Two it makes her feel like she’s got all of your attention which is a big plus in building a rapport with a woman you’re interested in. Finally it keeps you from looking at other things she may have going for her.
Michael
02. May, 2009
@ Nate
That’s an excellent point. Eye contact is very important.
chris
04. May, 2009
She is extremely shy in public though. I mean, I look straight at her and tryto make eye contact in class, but she quickly looks away. She doesntlike making eecontact. Its notjust me, i have seen her do it with otherr people too. unless she is talkingstraght at me, she doesnt really make too much eye contact. but sometimes i catch her looking at me and as soonas i look at her, she looks away.
also, i have talked to her every day and she seems fine and okay talking to me. but i still feel formal ruined something, like it made her give up. sont worry, i havent given up, but im still too shy to call her again. any tips for finding ways to boost my confidence andcall her again? ive tried several times, but i cant do it. he good thing is, i am learning not to stress to muchabout this and takeit all in calm. that has definitely helping. ( lol, i feel so stupid. but then again, i kind of dont.lol)
thanks for the help again guys, it really helps clear my mind.
Michael
04. May, 2009
@ Chris
It’s no problem man, that’s what we’re here for. The only sure-fire way to overcome this is to pluck up the courage to call and ask. That’s the only way you’re going to get your answers.
chris
06. May, 2009
so i finally got the courage to call her again. whoo hoo! i used the approach of asking about math homework and as she was ‘helping’ me i laughed because i learned that i was doing better than her. she didnt know how to do several problems while i didnt know how to do the one. anyways, i started to make her laugh, she went from being in an okay mood to a really great mood in only the six minutes we talked. she doesnt like talking on the phone a whole lot. sorry, forgot to tlee you that. she said she had to go take a shower and i was like, sure, thats just not an excuse is it? in a joking manner. she said:” No! i really do have to take a shower! while laughing, so it seemed legitimate. she sounded like she really glad i called, but i cant be compltely sure. oh well, I DID IT!. i gained some confidence again! thaks so much for all of your help. what shuld i do now other than to continue calling her daily?
Michael
07. May, 2009
@ Chris
Congrats man! Great job. We’re proud that you got the courage to call. From here on out, just continue to do what you’re doing. Concentrate on always showing her a good time and making her laugh.
FYI – if she doesn’t like talking on the phone much, I wouldn’t call her every day. Maybe every other day would be better. Also, just make sure your face-to-face interactions are fun too.
Again, great work!
Kennedy
09. May, 2009
@Chris
ROCK ON! If she’s not into talking on the phone much, offer to meet her somewhere every now and then. The face time you have with each other will be refreshing, and it will help accelerate things to the next level.
Glad to hear you’ve got the confidence man!
chris
13. May, 2009
I know her enough that f I randomly asked her to go hang out some time, it really seem awkward and a out of place question between the two of us. How am I supposed to make it seem like im not trying anything on her? afte all, she is a shy person and has been recently losing some of her bestfriends and broke up with her boyfriend about give or take 4 months ago. she said and still acts like it that she is sick of dating. soo, what should i do about all this? haha, i have a TON of comments. more than anybody else as a matter of fact.
Kennedy
13. May, 2009
@ chris
Try to find some sort of activity that ties in with her interests. This will show that you’re truly paying attention to what she likes. And trust me she’ll notice.
If she likes comic books, offer to take her to see the new Wolverine movie. If she’s a gym rat, ask if she’d like to work out sometime. If she’s into quilting, take her to the next crafts show in town. It will seem genuine, and BONUS: Who doesn’t love craft shows?
You’re on the right track man, keep it up!
Michael
13. May, 2009
@ Chris & Kennedy
I don’t like craft shows. But, then again, I’m not the girl Chris is interested in either.
Chris, Kennedy’s right. Try out his advice.
chris
14. May, 2009
okkaay, she likes volleyball and is in band. there are no volleyball games anywhere around here and she is in band while i am not. she enjoys shoppping of course.but like i said before, she is shy and does not like public places at all unless she is completely surounded by friends. so what should i do?
Michael
15. May, 2009
@ Chris
I don’t want to come off as pushy, but it seems to me like you’re stalling. It’s natural to want to go into the situation with all your bases covered, but it’s just not realistic.
The time has come for you to take action. Don’t worry so much about her being shy or whatever. Just go ask her to do something. The fact that there isn’t a volleyball game anywhere around shouldn’t hold you back. You’ve got to get creative! Why not invite her and some of her friends to play volleyball. You and some people can pitch in and buy a ball and a net for cheap at Wal-Mart. Doing that will solve two of your worries, he needing to be around friends and doing something she likes.
Again, I’m not trying to be rude. I just think it’s time for you to spread your wings and fly. No amount of thinking is a substitute for action.
Go out there and try! Good luck.
chris
17. May, 2009
Yah, your right. thats exactly what i have been doing, stalling. I plan on asking her to do something in the next two weeks. no later. this will give me time to get my head straight and come up with an idea. if i dont know what to do by then, than i will just wing it. i am not going to keep putting it off past the two weeks. i have till two sundays from now.
Michael
18. May, 2009
@ Chris
It’s your call man. But it’s been my experience that the more you try to plan the experience, the more worried and scared you become.
My advice is to go ask her now, not later. But again, it’s your game to play – we’re just here to help.
chris
20. May, 2009
today was a terrible day. okay, everything went fine until my last period in school. the girl i like sits right behind me. it had been a normal day where i had made her laugh and haad a fun time. until it happened. a jerk from my school was pulling a prank on her. well, it cant be called a prank actually. its more like sexual harrassment. he went up behind her and all i saw was him somewhat………. can i tell you about this somewhere else as it might not be appropriate to put on here? i am sorry, but this is a little ridiculous to be on this website;s blogging area. if its okay to say it on here, i will finish my story, but i dont think its appropriate. please respond as quickly as possible, thanks.
Michael
21. May, 2009
@ Chris
Wow, it sounds like something serious went down. If you want, use the contact form, the link is found at the top of the site, to tell us what happened. It will send a private email to us.
chris
23. May, 2009
ok,i sent you a question, please tell me on here when you respond. thanks michael
sesugh shaapera
25. May, 2009
i like dis girls so much but i a problem which is dis girls have three boys in her life she is my school mate she is also my friend and i love her how do i do and she love one of the guys which is a play boy
Kennedy
26. May, 2009
@ sesugh shaapera
If you really love her, then the only thing you can do is tell her how you feel, and why you are the better choice for her over the other boys in her life.
You can not keep agonizing over her. There have to be reasons you think you are better than the other boys. Why not tell her this? I think you can do it. Women love guys with the confidence to go after what they want. You can do it!
chris
27. May, 2009
hey michael, haven’t gotten a response from you yet. i went up tothe questions section and put a question, yet still no answer. plaease help me, thanks
Michael
27. May, 2009
@ Chris
We respond to all the emails we receive at AoG. I specifically remember replying to the email you sent in. Check the email account you used. Perhaps, it ended up in your spam filter.
chris
29. May, 2009
oh, ok thanks
George
31. May, 2009
I’m glad i found this site and it has helped me a lot on some issues. thank you
but i have this problem, so far i asked two girls out (at different times of course) and i have talked to them both and i’m no stranger to them. yet when i asked if they would like to hang out some time. they would responed with “i’m busy this week maybe next week”…and i waited a week and asked again. with the same response. from both.
what can i do to get a straight answer? (like a yes or a no) and if at all possible aviod these neutral responses in the future and not waste my time wondering.
P.S. Never had a girlfriend…just set ups (like taking a girl to prom kinda thing) with other girls none of which i had much interest in.
Kennedy
01. Jun, 2009
@ George
It sounds like the girls are giving you the run-around. If you want a straight answer, try asking in a casual way what their plans are for the weekend. If they say that their weekend is open, then see if they’re willing to go out with you. If they back out on you at that point you can stop wondering.
Rarely will you run into a ‘neutral response’. Usually whatever they are trying to say is just a long-winder version of “yes” or “no”. With time you’ll learn to read between the lines when a girl gives you some round-about response to a question.
Good Luck!